The TWD spin-off is back for another season with new cast members (three kids), new villains (led by "Max Headroom") and, soon, another "crossover" character from the original series (Dwight). We also see a helicopter with the same markings as the one which abducted Rick. Oh, and Daniel Salazar is back.

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Oh, good, they've overpowered him, and stabbed him with one of his stuffed animals, and he may die from his injuries. So now we leave him to the zombies and run out the back. Right?

Oh, no. I forgot. This is FTWD.

Bad Guy is going to wake up and deliver some speeches. GOD, Alicia, why do you care? Why do I care? LEAVE HIM. He TRIED TO KILL YOU! Twice! And almost did. He had NO REMORSE. Why Oh yeah, he plays chess, and his family died and, somehow, someway, that's supposed to make him a sympathetic character.

It doesn't. Why do TV writers think that if someone explains his evil it makes it better? IT DOESN'T.

Alicia tries to save Bad Guy as the zombie attack HE ARRANGED is coming to kill them all, and they can't get out because BAD GUY NAILED EVERYTHING SHUT.

Also, some of the zombies have antlers on their heads and stuff, that bad buy sewed on there, listening to '50s tunes. I guess we're supposed to get an "Island of Dr. Moreau" vibe? Well, I didn't. Also, I didn't like that they abused that classic scenario for a throwaway here.

So yeah, the "animal-men" are here to kill their creator. But they don't yet. (checks watch)

Shit, this show is only half-over. We're going to hear Bad Guy's life story, right?

Alicia is hovering over Bad Guy, who is stabbed through the abdomen from behind, through the front, with a non-antiseptic pointy thing. In the zombie apocalypse.

"You're going to be OK."

No, he is not. Or should not. He should die from his wounds or blood loss or something pretty much right now, but if not, in the next day or two from sepsis.

But this is a bad TV show, so maybe? I expect he'll stay alive long enough to do some more monologues the writers think will make us boo-hoo.

Then we'll see. (He really ought to die. Pretty much RIGHT NOW.)

Charlie: "I think they heard us."

Are you joking? Bad guy has SPEAKERS going outside. Christ, the undead have been banging on the front door since the last commercial break. And they are STILL THERE, banging away.

Charlie, I don't think they heard you stabbing the bad guy. I don't think they are here because they "heard" you. They are here because of the speakers that went up a commercial break ago. You are saying words the writers have put in your mouth, that have no connection to the actual TV show. You have to say this to be dramatic before the commercial break.

God, I hate this show.

Effing hell, Bad Guy confesses that he is a Bad Guy who killed his own family. Quelle surprise.


They can't figure a way out. Everything they think of, is somehow not going to work, because Bad Guys says so. Like he can be trusted. (They don't even try.)

Hey! Losers! I've been saying since season 1 of The Walking Dead, that when you're trapped in a house, you go upstairs, block the stairs, and drop out a window sometime (today, tomorrow, whenever) when it's clear. Simple! But none of you do it.

(Just like nobody makes noise or fire to distract the undead, even though everyone knows it works.)

But that's OK, because Morgan shows up. Cue Western theme. (Which I actually like. Lennie James looks great in a cowboy hat.)

Anyway, the good guys live, despite being some of the dumbest people God strung a gut through.

Wow, look at that shot. All the girls have hips you only get in America. Damn, Alicia, cut back on the onion rings.

Nobody should look that well-fed in the zombie apocalypse. That applies to the guys, too. Do you hear me, World Beyond?

OK, the confrontation between Morgan and Alicia seemed kind of ... staged.

Alicia is angry because, what, Morgan is going to use Dakota as a bargaining chip? Well, that would make more sense if Alicia wasn't going to do the same thing. And both would have higher moral ground if they had consulted Dakota about any of this.

They're both doing the same thing. And they end up at the same place. But let's have an argument! Because somebody thinks that's good TV.

OMIGOD, now we're going to repeat the stupid confrontation from before the last commercial break (Morgan vs. Alicia) with Victor vs. Morgan and Alicia, who just teamed up.

Just like the last confrontation, it's stupid. These people would not pull guns on each other, they'd talk. But no, there has to be ... a Confrontation.

See, whatever Victor is doing (he's HINTED AT PLANS) should bring all of our heroes together. But so far, he's just been a dick,.

What Morgan is doing is that he's got a place where all of his friends can get together and fight Virginia. Which should be in arguable and great.

But nobody is going for it. Instead everyone is pulling weapons on each other. (Victor has a gun. Alicia, after all these years, is using a pipe from an 18-wheeler. Come on, girl, get a grown-up weapon.)

I don't know. If I was one of those people, I'd be going, "This is so cool, guys, this is what we always wanted! Nobody's listening, we've all got excuses to be here that Virginia can't know about, and we can make plans to beat Virginia, or run away to, like Wisconsin or something*, or whatever! This is awesome!

Instead we have contrived drama, where Victor is being a dick instead of just telling everybody what he has planned. Whatever it is. (And how can you call it a plan, if it doesn't involve Morgan, Alicia, John Dorie or Charlie? What plan has he got where nobody wins?)

Also, why don't they just run away? You can get from Texas to somewhere Virginia can't reach you  on a horse in a day. I don't understand why they all knuckle under to a control freak who really can't control them, if they put their mind to it. Seriously, Virginia's people call on the radio to Dwight, somewhere in Oklahoma, and instead of saying "Nyah ha ha, I'm leaving, you dicks, and you'll never find me," he says "I'll be home soon, Sir. Or Ma'am."

This is stupid. Also, I defy anyone on this board to give me a description of Virginia that describes her many actions. She does this, she does that. Things that eff with our heroes. But the many actions she does don't add up to a philosophy of leadership. Or even consistency. Virginia is a straw man, set up by writers, to make life hard for the protagonists. She shows up and does whatever makes things hard for Morgan & Co., but not TOO hard, so as to kill them or constrain them.

She is an even dumber bad guy than Negan. (Prove me wrong.)

OK. We have a fake confrontation, and sure enough, it doesn't have a shoot-out or whatever. Everybody goes back to their respective corners. Which doesn't explain what Victor's up to.

He goes back to El Dorado or whatever, and Virginia has a secret door! That nobody's looking for! Because it's in the heart of her domain, so why bother? But she does! And behind that secret door is ... Morgan's girlfriend! Who's preggers! Which Virginia knows is important (somehow) and creates a secret room behind a secret door and tells Victor about (even though he just showed here he can't be trusted) because ... drama!

And, scene.

God, this is bad.

Whew, that's a lot to process!

I didn't have anything specific to say about last night's episode, but you more than made up for it. A couple of things: Fear has never been as good as the original. That's not just my opinion, it's fact. My bar is not very high, either, but I would be disappointed if you stopped watching, Cap, because I enjoy reading your rants. [I just looked that word up to make sure it doesn't have any negative connotations I didn't intend (maybe it does, anyway), but my dictionary says "talk or scold violently" and I think that applies.] 

I have my own theory about the Walking Dead universe, just a little "neat idea" that helps me get through episodes like this, and I will offer it to you free of charge (as they used to say in the letters pages). I like to pretend the "zombie apocalypse" affects only the continental United States. Mexico has built a wall (to keep Americans out), and Canada has, too. All of the other world powers keep tabs on the U.S. via satellite, but pretty much leaves us in our own mess. If this helps, you're welcome.

Please don't stop watching (and posting).

Man, your rants are far more entertaining than the actual show, Cap! Glad I watched it for context, though.

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