"Finally, tonight, the solution of a sixteen year-old mystery.
As our viewers may recall, two months ago, the mummified body of an eighty year-old woman was found in a peat bog outside Bourtangerstad in the Netherlands. Preliminary tests indicated that the so-called 'Bourtangerstad Woman' had lain undisturbed in the bog since approximately 2000 BCE.
However, in a statement released today by UNIT Scientific HQ in Geneva, Switzerland, it was revealed that DNA testing had identified the Bourstangerstad Woman as the remains of Ms. Kimberly Ann Posinki, formerly of Middleton, Illinois.
In a parchment message that was found with her body, which has been declassified only today, Ms. Posinski states that during an encounter with the criminal time traveler known as 'The Lord of Time', she was sent back to what she eventually realized was Bronze Age Europe. While she attempted to leave signals as to her whereabouts for her friends in the present to find, in time she came to accept that no rescue was forthcoming. Joining a local community, she married and had several children and grandchildren. She arranged for her remains to be buried in the bog upon her decease, in the hope, now fulfilled, that they would eventually be found.
When asked if it might now be possible to rescue Ms. Posinski using some form of time travel, UNIT Scientific Advisor, Doctor John Disco, said, 'Sorry, no, it would create a temporal paradox. Now, shut up, I'm busy.'
Once final tests have been completed, Ms. Posinki's remains will be returned to her parents, Doctors James and Ann Posinski, still resident in Middleton.
In a statement given this afternoon, Doctor James Posinski said: 'It's a very sad day for us, we'd never given up hope that we'd find her alive and well. We do take some small comfort that our dear Kimmie will be coming home to us at last.'
In an additional note, UNIT genetic scientists say that Ms. Posinki's descendants may well number in the millions, and that this may help explain certain hitherto unexplained anomalies that have been found in certain Western European populations."