When my brother-in-law's mother passed, he apologized for being so upset. "It happens to everyone. I'm not special."
But he was wrong. It does happen to everyone, sure, but in each case it is expressly special in that is is unique and personal. It is a hard path -- the hardest. No one can walk it for you, but we can offer our support and understanding. And that we do, in spades. Hang in there, buddy.
Philip, please add my condolences to those of the others.
I've buried my parents and my son, and I've come to learn that the business of dying is almost as complicated as the business of living. Outliving one's parents is the way of the world, but that doesn't make it any easier on the heart.
Words are a poor balm at a time like this, but if I may offer an observation: there's no need to second-guess yourself. The decisions you made with regard to your mother's medical treatment were made out of love and devotion---you wouldn't have agonised over them, otherwise---and, most important, in accordance with her wishes. That there might've been some discussion first, or the notion that you should've acted sooner---that's the human part of you. You and your brothers came through when she needed you most, and that's the part to keep with you. Faith in a higher power is oh so important, but so is faith in yourself.
The aftermath of death can be sticky. Family members sometimes conflict over the way something should go. Issues are usually settled by the one with the strongest will or the strongest influence on the circumstances. However things work out for your family, it doesn't diminish your mother's love for all of you, nor yours for her. Those are the memories to cherish.
Lastly, from your words, you seem to have been your family's primary caretaker of your mother, and that was a stressful burden. Now that that burden has been lifted, you may be feeling a certain amount of relief---and you may feel guilty about that. If so, don't. It's a human reaction, and it does nothing to dilute the love and compassion you devoted to her all of these years. Parents never wish to be a burden on their children, and she'd be pleased that your stresses are eased. Gauging by the qualities in the son she's raised, I'm sure of it.
I know it's difficult to see all these things now, Philip, while you're deep in the mire. But I can promise you one thing---it's the only thing I can promise---time will make things easier. Time doesn't heal all wounds---you'll always feel her loss---but it does make them bearable.
The prayers of Cheryl and myself are with you at this time, my friend.
About a week ago I posted the text of Abraham Lincoln's shortest speech to another thread. Along with it, I posted the following sermon delivered in Washington, D.C. by Bishop G. Ashton Oldham on September 7, 1924. In the nine days since posting, it has received only a single view, so I am moving it here to this "higher traffic" thread, just to show how much things have changed in the intervening century.
ClarkKent_DC > JD DeLuzioJanuary 1, 2026 at 10:11am
Back when "The Death of Clark Kent" storyline was launched across the Superman titles (this was during the "Triangle" era when each book crossed over into the next one as if it was a weekly comic), someone told me it was about Clark Kent getting hit in a drive-by shooting, meaning he had to fake his death immediately and adopt another identity. When I actually read the stories I was disappointed.
I've not seen the 1995 story. In "The Death of Clark Kent!" from Superman #42 Superman has to abandon his Clark Kent identity because Lois has seen him apparently killed in a "sewer gas" explosion. The story is handled comically: he tries to establish an alternative identity and things keep going wrong.
As I said before, the doctors told my brothers and I all throughout Christmas week that my mother could not live long without the drugs they were giving her and she had no chance of the slightest recovery. So, with broken hearts, we agreed that on Dec. 29th we would have them disconnect her from all the IVs she was on and was told that in would only take a few hours for her to pass.
Instead her vital stats were stable and even got a bit stronger, though she was unresponsive, barely eating and in pain. They called me at 10:30 PM Tuesday night to say that they were transfering her from the ICU to the hospice ward where she could stay for 7 to 10 days. But the next day (Dec. 31st) we found that she was not qualified for hospice, only comfort care and that she couldn't stay there long despite what the doctors said. In fact, the case worker I spoke to said that the doctors were wrong to tell us what they did.
Needless to say, we are all crushed by this and are trying to find a nursing home/care facility to bring my mother to. As I said, she cannot talk or communicate in any way and must be sedated for the pain. Today we believe that we found a place for her but it is not guaranteed.
We are devastated by all this and beyond frustrated. My mother deserves a peaceful passing and is now suffering.
Replies
When my brother-in-law's mother passed, he apologized for being so upset. "It happens to everyone. I'm not special."
But he was wrong. It does happen to everyone, sure, but in each case it is expressly special in that is is unique and personal. It is a hard path -- the hardest. No one can walk it for you, but we can offer our support and understanding. And that we do, in spades. Hang in there, buddy.
Philip, please add my condolences to those of the others.
I've buried my parents and my son, and I've come to learn that the business of dying is almost as complicated as the business of living. Outliving one's parents is the way of the world, but that doesn't make it any easier on the heart.
Words are a poor balm at a time like this, but if I may offer an observation: there's no need to second-guess yourself. The decisions you made with regard to your mother's medical treatment were made out of love and devotion---you wouldn't have agonised over them, otherwise---and, most important, in accordance with her wishes. That there might've been some discussion first, or the notion that you should've acted sooner---that's the human part of you. You and your brothers came through when she needed you most, and that's the part to keep with you. Faith in a higher power is oh so important, but so is faith in yourself.
The aftermath of death can be sticky. Family members sometimes conflict over the way something should go. Issues are usually settled by the one with the strongest will or the strongest influence on the circumstances. However things work out for your family, it doesn't diminish your mother's love for all of you, nor yours for her. Those are the memories to cherish.
Lastly, from your words, you seem to have been your family's primary caretaker of your mother, and that was a stressful burden. Now that that burden has been lifted, you may be feeling a certain amount of relief---and you may feel guilty about that. If so, don't. It's a human reaction, and it does nothing to dilute the love and compassion you devoted to her all of these years. Parents never wish to be a burden on their children, and she'd be pleased that your stresses are eased. Gauging by the qualities in the son she's raised, I'm sure of it.
I know it's difficult to see all these things now, Philip, while you're deep in the mire. But I can promise you one thing---it's the only thing I can promise---time will make things easier. Time doesn't heal all wounds---you'll always feel her loss---but it does make them bearable.
The prayers of Cheryl and myself are with you at this time, my friend.
On Facebook, Rick Parker pointed out that today would have been Stan Lee's 100th birthday.
Not to be pedantic (except that I am, I suppose), but I'm seeing Stan's birth year listed as 1922, which would've made him 103.
About a week ago I posted the text of Abraham Lincoln's shortest speech to another thread. Along with it, I posted the following sermon delivered in Washington, D.C. by Bishop G. Ashton Oldham on September 7, 1924. In the nine days since posting, it has received only a single view, so I am moving it here to this "higher traffic" thread, just to show how much things have changed in the intervening century.
Back when "The Death of Clark Kent" storyline was launched across the Superman titles (this was during the "Triangle" era when each book crossed over into the next one as if it was a weekly comic), someone told me it was about Clark Kent getting hit in a drive-by shooting, meaning he had to fake his death immediately and adopt another identity. When I actually read the stories I was disappointed.
I've not seen the 1995 story. In "The Death of Clark Kent!" from Superman #42 Superman has to abandon his Clark Kent identity because Lois has seen him apparently killed in a "sewer gas" explosion. The story is handled comically: he tries to establish an alternative identity and things keep going wrong.
As I said before, the doctors told my brothers and I all throughout Christmas week that my mother could not live long without the drugs they were giving her and she had no chance of the slightest recovery. So, with broken hearts, we agreed that on Dec. 29th we would have them disconnect her from all the IVs she was on and was told that in would only take a few hours for her to pass.
Instead her vital stats were stable and even got a bit stronger, though she was unresponsive, barely eating and in pain. They called me at 10:30 PM Tuesday night to say that they were transfering her from the ICU to the hospice ward where she could stay for 7 to 10 days. But the next day (Dec. 31st) we found that she was not qualified for hospice, only comfort care and that she couldn't stay there long despite what the doctors said. In fact, the case worker I spoke to said that the doctors were wrong to tell us what they did.
Needless to say, we are all crushed by this and are trying to find a nursing home/care facility to bring my mother to. As I said, she cannot talk or communicate in any way and must be sedated for the pain. Today we believe that we found a place for her but it is not guaranteed.
We are devastated by all this and beyond frustrated. My mother deserves a peaceful passing and is now suffering.
Please pray for her.
God forgive me, let it be over soon.
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